shadowkitten

Dealing with some medical issues as of late. Aside from making the appropriate dietary changes, I also have to throw out 90% of my cosmetics and skincare products. Did you know there is gluten in makeup? Weird.

Oh, and I am supposed to avoid talc, so there goes the majority of my eyeshadows :(

There's additional testing that needs to be done but will have to wait until new insurance takes effect. 

For the moment, I'm just relieved that my skin is no longer red, on fire, itchy, and miserable. For the most part, anyway. 

Anyway, nothing else going on other than trying to get healthier and prepare for January when classes start again. I was accepted for readmission, and they loved my statement of purpose essay. I'm hoping that means I will also be accepted into the MA program that was originally part of my degree plan. 

Yeah, that's it. Life is pretty boring. On a super strict budget, so that kind of prevents have much fun things to write about. I quit two jobs this year which sounds crazy, but things are so much better now. I needed to talk the next few months to get myself together so I can focus on my mental/physical health before January. 

I come here time and time again, thinking I have something to say and then words get lost between my thoughts and the keyboard. 

Turned 44 at the end of May. Not sure how I feel about that, tbh
Part of me still feels like a young, carefree idiot who has no idea what's she's doing but is kinda ok with that. The other part of me is just a constant ball of anxiety: never enough time, energy, money, etc to do everything that I want/need to do. 

I find myself becoming extremely agitated with people who have no sense of urgency or motivation. Or people who need to be told what to do every step of the way. Light a fire under your ass and MOVE, or just let me do it myself-I don't have time for this shit!! 

I've been in danger of slipping into Karen mode when dealing with people/situations that are unnecessarily difficult, time consuming, etc. And I don't want to be that person!

However-

I think I understand why it's such a common stereotype for middle-aged women. Hormone are fluctuating, your body is changing, there's more pressure to GET SHIT DONE because we are acutely aware that our time is precious. It can be difficult to accept that we might not be considered as attractive as we once were. Or at the very least, what once came naturally now takes effort to maintain. 
Still not an excuse to be aggressive/rude to others but yeah, I get it. 

Hopefully, as a result of my spiritual practice I am more mindful and self-aware, and that will help me *not* turn into someone I don't want to be. 

At the summer solstice, I made an altar of shells, flowers, driftwood, salt water, sand, and a gifted sea green crystal sphere that has gorgeous smoky grey clouding near the top. 

It was an impromptu little ritual after work and running errands. Originally, there other plans but adulting happened and yeah....

I lit the candle, closed my eyes and eventually entered that liminal space. Had a vision of myself as a crone, living in a seaside town. I took my knapsack to the beach during a thunderstorm. The full moon illuminated the crashing waves as I cast a circle with a random stick and the appropriate incantations. The salty air whipped all around me; my hair was long and streaked with silver and grey. I left offerings and prayers for Her and Him and the Hidden Ones that live in the deep, then collected a few stones and shells on the way home to my little crone cottage. 

Sea witch? Hmm...maybe that's something to look forward to :)


My face was obscured the entire time. Probably a deeper message there but I was not unhappy as a crone. That was reassuring. 


I know where I'm going. I'm not afraid to die. I'm just afraid that I'm not living my life to the fullest and at this point, unless I win the lottery, not sure how I can make time for everything I want to do. Promised myself on my birthday that would find opportunity every day to do something for me that improves my life in some way. Do something every day that my future self will thank me for. 

So far, I've kept that promise. Granted, it's only been a month but still.... the vow was made in circle so I'm not gonna fuck around and find out 💀

The magickal life is not always easy. Those of us who are dedicated to the arte and embrace our natural gifts often have no choice. Life only gets worse when we don't, but we bear battle scars for ounce of magick earned. I truly believe it.

Anyway....
For the past 7 days I've been sitting with some psychic information that I wasn't sure what to do with. 
I can't control when (or where) it happens. I'm usually never wrong, but there's always a chance and I don't want to embarrass myself. 

Tonight, my information helped someone get closure, and that's a really nice feeling.
Easy to play a psychic medium on TV; not so much IRL.
I never want to overstep and open up old wounds or give someone a message that they didn't ask for. 

This witch has earned a late-night bowl of cinnamon toast crunch.
For grounding purposes :D 

 Sometimes, I just want to put the world on pause for a minute. 

Not that I'm a "summer tan" kinda girl, but it is nearly August, and we've only been to the beach once.

There are so many farmers' markets and outdoor festivals that we haven't taken advantage of this year. 

Time is going by so fast. When you are a kid, summer lasts forever. 

Not that I'm complaining, but I only get one day off per week. Every day, there is some sort of errand or chores that need to get done. 

There are other frustrations I'm not going to list here but yeah...

Lately I've been feeling like nothing happens in this house if I don't initiate things every damn time. 

I just need something to look forward to and I don't have anything right now. 

Even Halloween hunting.... I don't think I care anymore. 

I'm not depressed, just frustrated and need a place to vent. 

On a happier note, I made a new friend <3

Going to try to enjoy my day off today after I scrub the bathroom, go grocery shopping and whatever other adulting crap needs to get done, 

Need more coffee!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Have not dyed my hair in a really, really long time and now have a silver stripe forming on the right side.
I think I will be one of those people who looks good with grey hair. We shall see.

Got a second job at my apartment complex now, as a pool attendant part-time. Super easy and literally one minute away from my front door.

Making the decision to exit DePaul was the best thing I've done in a long time. As much as I wanted to finish my degree, so much of the course curriculum felt like a giant waste of time. It would be different if I were in wide-eyed freshman living on campus, having the whole "college experience" and learning about a world bigger than my hometown for the first time ever. 


Part of me felt cheated by the online format that provided very little interaction from the professors. I felt like I was teaching myself and getting ripped off in the process. I loved being in the classroom, but unfortunately it was always incompatible with work schedules. An online program designed for working adult students should be focusing on the skills and theories needed for the particular career field the student is pursing, rather than using the same curriculum that is used for the on-campus "normal" students.

Really, I had to let go of the idea that I was only going to feel good about myself if I got a Masters. Sounds stupid but that was a plan of mine for a very, very long time. I felt that I needed to do it for younger me, like I owed her something. Truth is, too much time has passed, the world changed because of Covid, and let's face it- I'm not a 20-something anymore.
My energy is divested with real-world adult problems, and honestly, I'm much more aware of how many people with graduate degrees are actually underemployed. The debt is not always worth it. Especially as you get older and have less time to pay it off.

I have finally made peace with my decision. I can always learn and read on my own time.

Youth, intelligence, and dreams aside, I never had Rory Gilmore's budget. Would have just ending up at a cheap college anyway. Deep down, a part of me will always wish for the university experience I never got to have, and that's ok. I can live out my dark academia fantasy elsewhere-thanks, gen Z <3

Still studying for my SHRM but of course I had to get witchy with it!

Scheduled my exam for the morning of the Summer Solstice for extra positivity, confidence, and success. Plus, it will be on a Wednesday which is a great day for taking an exam-especially for us Geminis<333

I am home alone. it is raining outside and I have candles and chocolate and vampire movies.
happy Lupercalia, St. valentines, whatever

 When a professional tarot reader that's respected in the community says they love your interpretations and that you should be doing this for a living LOL 

I have a lot of work to do in preparation. 

Sometimes the Tower card is an act of arson. 

Some people never evolve.
She is my friend and perhaps I just need to accept this as who she is.

We only have one night to spend time together. It starts out great as it always does. Then we got to a bar. Immediately, she is flirting with the bartender, and he buys her a shot. Meanwhile, I'm the one paying for our drinks, and he barely even acknowledges me. A little disappointing because I actually thought I looked fantastic in new my dress and my makeup was on point, but I guess it happens to every woman eventually. I am finally invisible to men. Lately, I've been considering going grey. Haven't dyed my hair is almost a year and have a few greys popping through. I guess this was finally the confirmation that I needed to go ahead and embrace the crone to become the hag witch I was truly meant to be LOL 

Anyway, she then starts talking to random dudes about Vicodin withdrawal. I'm getting annoying because I literally haven't seen her since 2017 and instead of spending time with me, she's hugging strangers. At this point, it is past 10pm and we still haven't settled on a hotel reservation. I'm getting frustrated because Stef is waking up at 5am to make the 3-hour drive to pick me up and I need to text her the hotel address. I pound down my drink and go outside to make a hotel reservation and eventually she comes outside. Accuses me of being grumpy and anti-social. Keep in mind, I have been awake since 7am and she rolled out of bed around 5pm so yeah, I was not exactly bursting with energy at that particular point in the evening.

We get to the hotel, have a good conversation but its damn near 1:30 and I desperately need sleep. Suddenly, her phone starts going off. 
She gave the random stranger at the bar her phone number. On the night we are supposed to be hanging out:/
I would not be surprised if she met up with him when I was sleeping because when I woke up at 8am, she was still wide awake and looked like she had just taken a shower and scrubbed off her makeup.

Not that I care. She is a grown woman and can do whatever she wants. I just don't understand how she can feel ok about the fact that she hasn't had a steady job since 2014 and she is getting older and fatter. Spends her nights with "her boys" and seem to not worry a damn bit about her future or any sort of financial stability. I seriously hope she is using multiple forces of protection since they are in Texas and sleeping with 5 different men. She sleeps all day and wakes up at night. Take 1-2 classes a semester at community college. No understanding that her resume from working at Dell is outdated. She hasn't been a project manager since 2014. Does she not realize how much things have changed? No sense of urgency whatsoever to get her life on track. 

Asked her "have you ever thought about what you would do if you and David split up?", and her response was that she would just have to be strong and figure it out. Maybe it is my own anxiety but there is no way I could have such a vague backup plan at this stage of life.
She kept mentioning us living like the Golden Girls when/if her and David split up. If it ever comes to that point, my house will me a (mostly) man-free zone.  No dudes sitting on my couch, coming in and out, eating my food. Nope, nope, nope. She seems to think that if D finally gets sick of her shit, she will move in with me. 

Hopefully that situation never comes to fruition, because I would not feel comfortable living with her at all and saying NO would make me responsible for sending her into a downward spiral because I'm the only somewhat stable, non-drug addicted friend she has.  

Yet, she is my friend and I do care about her. We always have fun together...until we don't/ 
She always gets male attention and makes contacts so easily. 
People are drawn to her and she is very open, sexually.
Obviously, those are things I struggle with.
So, there is a part of me that understand my anger with her is probably based in a bit of envy as well. 
Trying to be less judgmental and more self-aware.
However, the older I get the more pathetic and annoying her behavior becomes.
"Grow up" seems like such a harsh thing to say to someone.
So I bite my tongue and remain grateful I no longer live close enough to experience her bullshit on a regular basis. 

 

ever since the supreme court leak, i have not been sleeping well. it is truly disgusting to see the way right-wing conservatives talk about rape and the so-called "miracle" of becoming pregnant. they do not care about women, they only want breeders. and the fucking women who support this shit are a special kind of breed, aren't they? i've been avoiding returning calls from my dad and my sister because i damn well know they are bound to comment on current events and frankly, I'm a thread away from snapping. 
and as we all know by now, I have no problem cutting people out of my life for decades if need be. I'd rather not traumatize my niece and nephew so yeah....just avoiding for now. 

i don't even know how i feel. numb. rage. sad. disgusted. it is overwhelming and exhausting.